My Pity-Party Week

So, the last few days I've completely skipped out on schooling the girls. Why, one may ask? Well, this is all due to brain overload.

• Homeschool Curriculum for next year: Heart of Dakota vs Veritas Press

This has plagued me day and night. I am not able to function outside of thinking about these two programs...one provides a seriously Christ-centered day, the other teaches history the way I like, English the way I've taught it, and my Mom's favorite math program. I literally read review after review after review and felt lost. Then, one pro-homeschool momma said, "Why don't you take a step back, start from square one, and ask yourself why you are homeschooling to begin with." So, that is what I did. The reason I prayed for God to open the door for us to homeschool was so that I could build my daughter's up in wisdom and give them a Christ-centered day. End of discussion....I then figured out that my Christ-centered curriculum allows for subsititutions and I can use my favorite English approach, I can use my Momma's favorite Math, and if I end up feeling history is inadequate, at least I'll know I gave the God-focused program a shot! After talking to Mom, she helped me come back to at least trying this option; if I'd never tried the full-blown everything relates back to God approach, I would spend my entire life wondering how it would of worked. I guess what boggled me was that I want the girls to be SUPER SMART and I know I can bring our learning back to God, even if it's not written into the curriculum. But like my Momma said, if I don't at least give this curriculum a shot, I'll never know how they may have grown in wisdom with it!


Do you see, do you see the way I go back and forth? I've never known anyone to be so indecisive and frankly, I'm mad that I carry this trait.

• Next question I can't stop pondering: "What am I doing for the kingdom of God BESIDES trying to raise up Godly daughters?"

I am aware that I cannot work my way to heaven, however, if we really want to do what the men who walked with Jesus did, we will not settle for just a normal existance...just loving our own and feeling slap-knee happy about it. Don't get me wrong, I love where I am at this phase, but what about everyone else who doesn't. When I look around and see people, humans, folks that were created and are loved by God just existing and hurting from circumstances, I cannot help but to lose the fuzzy warm feelings I have about how "oh-so-wonderful" life is. I'm supposed care for these people and bless  these people because God  saved and blessed me divinely. What am I doing for them?? What could I do for them? What am I not doing for them? The thought is constant and I need God to breathe peace over me.

• As if these musings don't fill my mind enough, how about finding a faith family?

I'm at a loss...I've only tried one worship service and I liked it, but Chris felt the lesson was a little "light." When you come from a Jim-Bob Baker teaching, to anything else it just really can't compare. Still yet, my mind should say, "ask not what the church can do for you, but what you can do for the church..." 

So, with all these issues floating around in my brain, phone calls don't cut it. I'm admitting I miss talking face to face with my family. I have been SSSSOOOOO strong with this move and really, I enjoy being here in PA, I just need my momma, my daddy, my sister-aunt, and my seesters. They understand that I create problems in my head and know how to say, "Turn off your brain for a minute, geez!" And, Chris is working nights this week and so daytime is sleep-time...otherwise, I would spend time infecting his brain with my weirdo-ness.

UPDATE: PRAYERS for Chris, it appears he'll be heading back to Angola sometime this summer.


This is the secular song I've been feeding my brain because of my self-induced turmoil:

Running From Me lyrics

Say a prayer for me, cause I can barely breath. I’m suffering, and I can’t take it.

Because of me, no one will ever see, this side of me, if I don’t make it,

Its like I can't wake up, its like I cant get up

its like I cant remember who I used to be

am I running from you or am I running from me?

Clear a path for me, cause i can barely see,

I’m stumbling, and I can't shake it

it's up to me to save myself from me, my enemy but I can't face it.

Its like I can't wake up, its like I cant get up

its like I cant remember who I used to be

am I running from you or am I running from me?

I’m breaking out.

OKAY.....It's over, this Pity-Party is over and I'm gonna pray my way out of this funk and start claiming peace and hope. And, I think I may now know why I'm "emotionally stressed,"  I use a b.c. that keeps me from ovulating, but when I just (like 30 sec ago) used the restroom, nature decided to visit; its all making sense now!!!!!! sorry if that's tmi;)