Eulogy for Mamaw Nita, Goodbye...

Hey, everyone. I'm Stacy. I am the lucky one who holds the "1st grand baby" title. I call Juanita my Mamaw Nita. That is who she was to me and my sister steph, our Mamaw! Then ol Zac came along a threw Steph off course by calling her Nana Nita. Nana Nita. Huh? i thought about it awhile, pondered the name,  But ultimately, I refused to switch over. She will always be Mamaw Nita to me. Well,  This last week as She was holding on to life this side of heaven, I spent a lot of time wrestling with memories of the many moments She had encouraged  me. I think if you allow yourself to go back in time into the your memories,  you will agree that Mamaw Nita  was a giver of light.  SHe had a smile that was  welcoming, a voice that was so warm and kind, and the way her eyes sparkled when you made her laugh was all the more reason to act silly. One thing is certain: she was just so easy to talk to, there was never a topic she wouldn't dig into. As   I thought back about my time spent with her, I saw myself at many stages from childhood through adulthood when I had turned to her for wisdom. I thought about the bazillions of times I was "sick" from school-and she literally whipped up every item on the breakfast menu in 15 minutes, and would then check on me about every 7 minutes to make sure I was comfortable. She'd tuck me in, fluff my pillow and re-do it if needed. ... and I also recalled her staying positive when my baby sister was born with Down Syndrome, she just went on keeping the faith that Syd would be just fine and she is... I really enjoy this one memory, i can see us sitting on her floor one afternoon as I desperately questioned her about the salvation of a teen who had died in a car crash when I was about 11-I was so scared and she was so peace illuminating. She helped me sort through my thoughts and I walked away from her house feeling better.. I can hear how she'd sing her heart out like it was just her and Jesus in the room, and I appreciate how she always encouraged us to praise God through songwriting and to be a voice to the lost. About 10 years ago, When Chris and I found out we were pregnant, even though we weren't married-she was happy not judgmental in the least, she felt excited about a great grand baby...then In my adulthood, she spoke peace to my stress while I was  struggling balance being a good mom and a good teacher ... and after I'd call her and unleash my sadness and brokenness, she'd pray for me, and I love how when she prayed-she believed. She just trusted that it was done. She knew her Bible and that woman took God at his word, she always shared her views but was never forceful or offended if you didn't interpret it her way. Altogether, she was light  to me. Just a radiant light.  I'll never ever forget the handprints she's left on my spiritual journey...I am who I am because of her prayer legacy. And her legacy didn't just plant seeds in me. When I think about my dad and my uncle Tracy, and the men the turned out to be . They are hard workers, they are family men. Today, good daddies are hard to come by and obviously  Mamaw Nita and Papaw David did something right. They raised young men who became the  kind of daddies that were present both spiritually, emotionally, and physically. Me, steph and Zac could not have asked for better daddies and she had a whole lot to do with that and I could never  thank her enough.  And, I look back on when it was my turn to pray and believe as an adult. . I watch in my mind, me and my little girls praying with her and speaking healing over her in her room and telling God that if healing is only available in the heavenly realm, then send angels to clothe her Spirit with the righteousness of Jesus and lift her to glory... And, that's  why we are all here this very moment. Mamaw Nita walked right into her most glorious moment on December 26th. And   While we mourn the loss of her in this earthly realm. She is standing in the presence of God Almighty with hands raised and a voice belting out His praises, which is what she loved to do here... We know that this moment heaven has received a bit of the light  we all were so blessed to get to encounter while she was here and that there is definitely  a gospel-music revival and celebration taking place in the spiritual realm right now.

 

The Issue the Dog Became: Dec 5th, 2013

I swear I did not just have this conversation for the hundredth time:

Mika: I want to be a baby again, ya know just back to the days before we had Buddy... He took my place as your baby, Mom. 

Me: Mika, that is just untrue. You will always be the baby.  Buddy simply sits on my legs all the time. I still rub your back and shoulders every day,  just like I did before I had Buddy. I still  love y'all up all the time,  just like before I had Buddy.

Mady: Mom, right there it is. You just proved our point by your words. "before you HAD Buddy," basically you said before you birthed Buddy. This really is out of control, Mom!

Me: Well crud, girls. I don't know what to tell ya....

Too few and far between... Nov 28th, 2013

I love this moment  so much. My sis and my hubs playing pool,  my girls playing checkers, Jon watching  the game with mom and dad and Syd and Me  snuggling. Even our pets are up here. I love the sounds of familiarity and the shaky quivers when we talk of those passed on. I can't help but tear up knowing it'll be over in a flash. I can't breathe them all in enough. Steph just beat chris not bc she's better, but bc he scratched! Any time someone laughs,  Syd mimics them, and it is hilarious!

What happened to "types and shadows?" November 2013

If you know me well, than you know that when it comes to "faith," I am a questioner...that means  I can be a doubter. Sometimes, I actually allow my mind to ponder the possibility that there is no life after death. On occasion, the question, "will I simply return to dust," literally takes my breath away... See, I'm not one who wants to do something or be something just because an "elder" told me it was best. I'm not one who just listens and obeys my authority figures, actually it is my natural instinct to question the motives of my authority figures. I have to pave my own way, I have to find my own answers. This is why I'm a "church gypsy." I move from belief system to belief system and I'm constantly amazed at how many churches rely solely on the traditions of their ancestors instead of the guidance of the Holy Spirit... I simply cannot rest in presupposed traditions, and I refuse the idea that we all need something to believe in, might as well be a Christian... No! If I'm going to "be" something it's going to be because everything in my soul points to it, it has to add up, it has to "make sense." So, what does add up to me, what does make sense to me? Well, here it is: a God that hides messages in written words, that points to a coming Savior, HUNDREDS of years before He ever sends this Messiah... what an amazing book-the Holy Bible! It simply blows my mind, how many underlying messages are scattered throughout the Old Testament, each pointing to Jesus, the Cross, or baptism.... And, the people who are writing this stuff down, don't have a clue that they are being used to point to Christ. When Abraham sends his boy up the hill, carrying wood, to be given as an offering, Abraham had ZERO knowledge that this was actually representing Christ carrying the wooden cross up the Hill at Calvary. Nor, when Abraham sees the ram caught in the bush, and he used it to take Isaac's place, it signified Jesus, being our substitute, BUT EVEN cooler, is the fact that the actual Hebrew writing says "the ram was caught by his horns in a sabek plant", get this: the sabek plant was an extremely thorny bush. The rams horns/his head was surrounded by thorns... Who could this be pointing to? Who else's head was crowned with thorns? That's right-Jesus! Abraham had not a clue that all of these happenings in his life were pointing all kinds of ways to a coming Savior, nope-Abraham didn't know-but God did! And, these kind of hidden messages saturate the Old Testament. When I doubt, all I have to do is look at the proof scattered about. Here is another one that just makes me say, Oh God, you are TOO clever! This one points to the Cross: Moses and his younger 2nd in command Joshua, were heading to battle against Amalek. So, it was the Israelites VS Amalek. Moses told Joshua that the following day, he'd stand on top of the hill overlooking the battle. He said he'd have the rod of God in his hand. The next day as the battle raged, anytime Moses held up his hands out to his sides, the Israelites prevailed. But his arms  got too heavy, so he sat on a stone and two friends held up his arms for him, until the Israelites were victorious.  So what did NT Christians (easterners) see that us products of the reformation normally wouldn't:

 1) Moses standing with arms outstretched like a cross

2) he was on a hill, (Jesus's cross was on a hill)

3) it was Moses and two friends on that hill, Jesus was crucified with two others

4) Moses was in the middle, Jesus was in the middle

5) Moses couldn't hold up his arms alone, Jesus's arms were nailed up

Wowzer! Hundreds of years prior to the Cross, God points us to the Cross, how could anyone not believe?! See, as I study up on why our modern churches don't look like the New Testament bodies, I am met with the realization that the reformation did away with much of the types and shadows knowledge. This knowledge was too "eastern/mystical" and thus we've lost some of what makes the Bible so amazingly legit. Only a Divine Being can hide messages in a work of history that spans thousands of years. That is what makes sense to me, that is why I believe, not bc someone told me to.

Why homeschooling?

This is what we know now... The answers behind why we were lead to prayer for homeschooling opportunities: It all started with a prayer holding hands at the foot of our bed on December 29, 2011::

Another reason we chose to homeschool, and this is going to make me all Jesus Freak and I don't care, is: there was a constant stirring in my life that I was not doing enough  to bring forth how I wanted my girls to be raised: emphasis--providing them with wisdom. Growing up, I never really knew what I wanted to be, someone would ask and I'd say something ambitious, but I never felt it deep within. All I knew is that I wanted to be a momma. As I went through the motions of college, I was going to school to teach and I'm glad I did, however the stirring of "just be a momma" was screaming inside me. I did not know SAHM life was acceptable in today's time as most families life-styles call for 2 incomes. I ignored the stirring and truly believe I neglected my own two children at the expense of my sanity. I needed depression meds and sleeping meds until the Good Lord forced me (by a change in Chris's career) to be at home.  Thus the beginning of a year of family centered success and true joy presented itself... The prayers for my own wisdom and what role God would give me in this life continued and Chris and I found out about this entirely new concept: homeschooling! What the hizzle is homeschooling we pondered... We would briefly lift up this idea to God and hope for revelation...

I've been contemplating going through a series of posts in which I give one reason why we chose to homeschool. It's the question we get most from people when the topic is mentioned... Sooooo, one reason we homeschool is: it works best for our family. We are a "late night" bunch; early mornings not so much! With Chris's crazy schedule, public school hours work against family time. We know what it's like to hustle and bustle and simply decided homeschooling would work better in the area of time to spend as a family.

Another reason we chose to homeschool is: it came to our attention that WE had a choice in how we wanted our kids to spend upwards of 8 hours a day. Call us 'rebels' if you will, lol, but once you breathe in that you are not FORCED to send your babies to school, it really starts opening up your mind to the endless amounts of alternate learning styles available. In our journey so far we've met all kinds of homeschooling families, lots of single Mommas' out there homeschooling away and loving every minute! Just something about having choices in how we use our time that makes us all warm and fuzzy inside!

The third reason we chose to homeschool is and this is a good one: We've found that around 4 hours a day of "school" gets our "job" done, and then we are free to explore outdoors, sometimes we do this before our lessons when it's beautiful out! No daydreaming from our table about getting in the sun, we just start the day out in it instead!! And, NO evenings spent at the table using precious free-time to complete the already very very long school day! I wish school had been like that for me, instead I was daydreaming out the tiny window in our classrooms and then lying to my mom that I had no homework, so I could actually be free from school in the evenings:/ sorry mom, yes, I lied daily. no fear though, I copied off friends in first 30 sec of each class to keep those grades up and make you proud, lol-terrible-I know!!!

Reason #4 that homeschooling suits us: extracurricular activities aren't burdensome anymore, they are truly extra and quite a delight!! We look forward to these outings... For me, when we were in school for 8 hours then I had to rush to get a child to gymnastics, then rush the next day to ballet, then rush to ball practice, I was unable to enjoy watching my girls grow up right before me. Actually, I dreaded tackling the week and was so stressed from all the rushing around that it was very difficult to turn off those emotions and soak up the cartwheel achievement or the pirouette accomplishment... Life was so hurried that I was not enjoying my kids. Not anymore my friends, WE HAVE TIME to prepare!! This is a big deal for me, I did not know I had the capacity to run a home. There is now time to actually feel on top of things and operate peacefully (mostly) and my kids can read it when they look out and see they have my attention and I'm all smiles!! Totally new concept, this not being rushed thing!

Homeschool is right for us #5:

I do not want my girls to feel pressured on a daily basis to look perfect. Speaking from experience as the girl who took hours to get dressed, that constant "is there anything on my face" crap is tiresome! And, it's "way more important" than diagramming sentences or understanding Pythagorean theorem! NOT! Lol, I'm not saying they won't feel pressure to be beautiful, but day in and day out it won't be the 1st focus of the morning, they will be free from the stress and just able to learn!  

This is my biggie, it's based on MY experiences, you may not feel the same: Another reason we homeschool is because little girls are pressured TOOOOO early to become big girls. Speaking as a student and a teacher, it is dadgum freaking terrifying what you find in notes between 4th graders. I can't, I won't put my girls right into path of it, if I don't have to! 

From the beginning in school, I had a "boyfriend." Ridiculously, in my circle from very early on-you were not acceptable if you did not a boyfriend. It was all the rage on the playground to play kiss chase, then it was totally cool to mosey back to kissing corner, come 6th grade. And by 9th grade, if your virginity was still in existence, it was not looked at as admirable. The sooner you could get rid of that "burden" the sooner you could be part of the crowd. And see, as a "pretty little American girl" there were certain unspoken rules. Long term boyfriend + sex equals totally justifiable ----after all, you just might marry this one. As long as the relationship was 6 months or longer-slut, whore, easy---those words would not apply to you in the locker-room. So of course, that made it all okay. For myself and most of the girls I grew up with, virginity was gone before we ever knew it something to be treasured, something beautiful. Now, I AM NOT saying that homeschooling will prevent my kids from making bad choices or being influenced negatively by culture, but it does buy me valuable valuable time. I get to daily pursue placing wisdom in these girls. Wisdom was so far from me growing up. Going to church does NOT impart wisdom. Yes, it gives foundation, but wisdom is a daily work in progress. I need my girls to be able to clearly know Scripture for all situations: ain't nothing more tempting than a brown eyed boy with his hand on your leg to make ya melt like butta! I HAVE to know that I did everything I could do to prepare them. I HAVE to know that I did not encourage them to intrinsically think sexually by oooohing and aaahing over the "Justin Beibers." I HAVE to know when they come to me with a bad choice that it was just that: a choice-not a lack of understanding. Finally, I HAVE to know that I'm living out teaching them God's expectations, not culture in the morning, when we walk by the wayside, when we eat, and when we lay down... At least for as long as I have the opportunity, especially if I don't want them to have big regrets at such a young age as I.

HSing Moms have extremely difficult days too, here is an encouragement text from me to a friend of mine who was struggling:

#1- we can NEVER get this time back

#2-we get to share our faith throughout the day, instead of when a tough circumstance arises and the child needs direction

#3- the day is YOURS to do with as you wish! We had no school today-we cleaned out 12 bags of stuff to take to Salv Army and we are doing school tonight! 

#4 no child should be instructed for 7 1/2 hours a day. It is not fair, nor should they have homework. My friends 1st grader from Troy has 2  hrs of homework a night:( 

#5 you essentially choose who your child is surrounded with instead of forced association-which may not be beneficial in the long run

#6 our kids get enough rest, my Mady was so so exhausted and so so hungry EVERY day. 

#7 education is a chance to look for the truth in history---School can be  indoctrination of false ideas,  celebrating Columbus for example, NO WAY! 

With all that being said, if the Lord or Chris ever guide me to put them back in school, I will cry myself into oblivion, self-medicate, and obey:/

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Words I won't speak.

Terms  you won't hear me call other human beings:

1) trashy- never, that is an opinion, and it puts oneself above the other person, as if to say that my judgement is best and my lifestyle is so worthy to place me in a position to judge. Yep-that'd def be a lie...

2) fake- no way, I don't know what's in your heart or in your head, and no one in the world's actions ALWAYS lines up w/ their desires, everyday-every minute-100% of the time...it is not possible, humans are ever-changing...

3) hypocrite- neevvvvaaahhhh! I can't speak that word! We all fall short on the things we claim to be, can't point the finger w/o 3 pointing back at me, to call another such a term, means yet again that I am capable of perfection in all areas of my life, so I'm in a position to judge, and that'll never be the case. If we look back at our own personal timelines, we are far from who we once were...

4) bum- nada, its simply mean.  I do not know your situation, how long you've been there, or what led you to it.... All I know  is I want you taken care of, I want your kids taken care of, and if that means through government funding then so be it. I don't have a better solution (unless the entire church body decides to live like NT Christians and sacrifice to the point of equality among each other)  All I know is I am pro-humanity and I'm not concerned with why or how you ended up where you are, only that you are okay now....

Focus: oct 29, 2013

Thoughts on the brain at 1:00 am: in relationships, everyone has issues to be dealt with. At the end of the day, I shouldn't ask myself how I feel, I should ask myself, "Did I chose to love in every moment, the way God does... Did I choose to love, even when walking away would have felt better... Did I choose to love, when I was treated wrong... Did I choose to love in a way that isn't reflective of one's behavior, but instead  sheds light in one's darkness?" This whole marriage journey isn't about my spouse's behavior and me giving love when I am pleased, it's about me focusing on what I can do as his wife that is pleasing to God...