Eulogy for Mamaw Nita, Goodbye...

Hey, everyone. I'm Stacy. I am the lucky one who holds the "1st grand baby" title. I call Juanita my Mamaw Nita. That is who she was to me and my sister steph, our Mamaw! Then ol Zac came along a threw Steph off course by calling her Nana Nita. Nana Nita. Huh? i thought about it awhile, pondered the name,  But ultimately, I refused to switch over. She will always be Mamaw Nita to me. Well,  This last week as She was holding on to life this side of heaven, I spent a lot of time wrestling with memories of the many moments She had encouraged  me. I think if you allow yourself to go back in time into the your memories,  you will agree that Mamaw Nita  was a giver of light.  SHe had a smile that was  welcoming, a voice that was so warm and kind, and the way her eyes sparkled when you made her laugh was all the more reason to act silly. One thing is certain: she was just so easy to talk to, there was never a topic she wouldn't dig into. As   I thought back about my time spent with her, I saw myself at many stages from childhood through adulthood when I had turned to her for wisdom. I thought about the bazillions of times I was "sick" from school-and she literally whipped up every item on the breakfast menu in 15 minutes, and would then check on me about every 7 minutes to make sure I was comfortable. She'd tuck me in, fluff my pillow and re-do it if needed. ... and I also recalled her staying positive when my baby sister was born with Down Syndrome, she just went on keeping the faith that Syd would be just fine and she is... I really enjoy this one memory, i can see us sitting on her floor one afternoon as I desperately questioned her about the salvation of a teen who had died in a car crash when I was about 11-I was so scared and she was so peace illuminating. She helped me sort through my thoughts and I walked away from her house feeling better.. I can hear how she'd sing her heart out like it was just her and Jesus in the room, and I appreciate how she always encouraged us to praise God through songwriting and to be a voice to the lost. About 10 years ago, When Chris and I found out we were pregnant, even though we weren't married-she was happy not judgmental in the least, she felt excited about a great grand baby...then In my adulthood, she spoke peace to my stress while I was  struggling balance being a good mom and a good teacher ... and after I'd call her and unleash my sadness and brokenness, she'd pray for me, and I love how when she prayed-she believed. She just trusted that it was done. She knew her Bible and that woman took God at his word, she always shared her views but was never forceful or offended if you didn't interpret it her way. Altogether, she was light  to me. Just a radiant light.  I'll never ever forget the handprints she's left on my spiritual journey...I am who I am because of her prayer legacy. And her legacy didn't just plant seeds in me. When I think about my dad and my uncle Tracy, and the men the turned out to be . They are hard workers, they are family men. Today, good daddies are hard to come by and obviously  Mamaw Nita and Papaw David did something right. They raised young men who became the  kind of daddies that were present both spiritually, emotionally, and physically. Me, steph and Zac could not have asked for better daddies and she had a whole lot to do with that and I could never  thank her enough.  And, I look back on when it was my turn to pray and believe as an adult. . I watch in my mind, me and my little girls praying with her and speaking healing over her in her room and telling God that if healing is only available in the heavenly realm, then send angels to clothe her Spirit with the righteousness of Jesus and lift her to glory... And, that's  why we are all here this very moment. Mamaw Nita walked right into her most glorious moment on December 26th. And   While we mourn the loss of her in this earthly realm. She is standing in the presence of God Almighty with hands raised and a voice belting out His praises, which is what she loved to do here... We know that this moment heaven has received a bit of the light  we all were so blessed to get to encounter while she was here and that there is definitely  a gospel-music revival and celebration taking place in the spiritual realm right now.

 

The Issue the Dog Became: Dec 5th, 2013

I swear I did not just have this conversation for the hundredth time:

Mika: I want to be a baby again, ya know just back to the days before we had Buddy... He took my place as your baby, Mom. 

Me: Mika, that is just untrue. You will always be the baby.  Buddy simply sits on my legs all the time. I still rub your back and shoulders every day,  just like I did before I had Buddy. I still  love y'all up all the time,  just like before I had Buddy.

Mady: Mom, right there it is. You just proved our point by your words. "before you HAD Buddy," basically you said before you birthed Buddy. This really is out of control, Mom!

Me: Well crud, girls. I don't know what to tell ya....

Too few and far between... Nov 28th, 2013

I love this moment  so much. My sis and my hubs playing pool,  my girls playing checkers, Jon watching  the game with mom and dad and Syd and Me  snuggling. Even our pets are up here. I love the sounds of familiarity and the shaky quivers when we talk of those passed on. I can't help but tear up knowing it'll be over in a flash. I can't breathe them all in enough. Steph just beat chris not bc she's better, but bc he scratched! Any time someone laughs,  Syd mimics them, and it is hilarious!

What happened to "types and shadows?" November 2013

If you know me well, than you know that when it comes to "faith," I am a questioner...that means  I can be a doubter. Sometimes, I actually allow my mind to ponder the possibility that there is no life after death. On occasion, the question, "will I simply return to dust," literally takes my breath away... See, I'm not one who wants to do something or be something just because an "elder" told me it was best. I'm not one who just listens and obeys my authority figures, actually it is my natural instinct to question the motives of my authority figures. I have to pave my own way, I have to find my own answers. This is why I'm a "church gypsy." I move from belief system to belief system and I'm constantly amazed at how many churches rely solely on the traditions of their ancestors instead of the guidance of the Holy Spirit... I simply cannot rest in presupposed traditions, and I refuse the idea that we all need something to believe in, might as well be a Christian... No! If I'm going to "be" something it's going to be because everything in my soul points to it, it has to add up, it has to "make sense." So, what does add up to me, what does make sense to me? Well, here it is: a God that hides messages in written words, that points to a coming Savior, HUNDREDS of years before He ever sends this Messiah... what an amazing book-the Holy Bible! It simply blows my mind, how many underlying messages are scattered throughout the Old Testament, each pointing to Jesus, the Cross, or baptism.... And, the people who are writing this stuff down, don't have a clue that they are being used to point to Christ. When Abraham sends his boy up the hill, carrying wood, to be given as an offering, Abraham had ZERO knowledge that this was actually representing Christ carrying the wooden cross up the Hill at Calvary. Nor, when Abraham sees the ram caught in the bush, and he used it to take Isaac's place, it signified Jesus, being our substitute, BUT EVEN cooler, is the fact that the actual Hebrew writing says "the ram was caught by his horns in a sabek plant", get this: the sabek plant was an extremely thorny bush. The rams horns/his head was surrounded by thorns... Who could this be pointing to? Who else's head was crowned with thorns? That's right-Jesus! Abraham had not a clue that all of these happenings in his life were pointing all kinds of ways to a coming Savior, nope-Abraham didn't know-but God did! And, these kind of hidden messages saturate the Old Testament. When I doubt, all I have to do is look at the proof scattered about. Here is another one that just makes me say, Oh God, you are TOO clever! This one points to the Cross: Moses and his younger 2nd in command Joshua, were heading to battle against Amalek. So, it was the Israelites VS Amalek. Moses told Joshua that the following day, he'd stand on top of the hill overlooking the battle. He said he'd have the rod of God in his hand. The next day as the battle raged, anytime Moses held up his hands out to his sides, the Israelites prevailed. But his arms  got too heavy, so he sat on a stone and two friends held up his arms for him, until the Israelites were victorious.  So what did NT Christians (easterners) see that us products of the reformation normally wouldn't:

 1) Moses standing with arms outstretched like a cross

2) he was on a hill, (Jesus's cross was on a hill)

3) it was Moses and two friends on that hill, Jesus was crucified with two others

4) Moses was in the middle, Jesus was in the middle

5) Moses couldn't hold up his arms alone, Jesus's arms were nailed up

Wowzer! Hundreds of years prior to the Cross, God points us to the Cross, how could anyone not believe?! See, as I study up on why our modern churches don't look like the New Testament bodies, I am met with the realization that the reformation did away with much of the types and shadows knowledge. This knowledge was too "eastern/mystical" and thus we've lost some of what makes the Bible so amazingly legit. Only a Divine Being can hide messages in a work of history that spans thousands of years. That is what makes sense to me, that is why I believe, not bc someone told me to.

Why homeschooling?

This is what we know now... The answers behind why we were lead to prayer for homeschooling opportunities: It all started with a prayer holding hands at the foot of our bed on December 29, 2011::

Another reason we chose to homeschool, and this is going to make me all Jesus Freak and I don't care, is: there was a constant stirring in my life that I was not doing enough  to bring forth how I wanted my girls to be raised: emphasis--providing them with wisdom. Growing up, I never really knew what I wanted to be, someone would ask and I'd say something ambitious, but I never felt it deep within. All I knew is that I wanted to be a momma. As I went through the motions of college, I was going to school to teach and I'm glad I did, however the stirring of "just be a momma" was screaming inside me. I did not know SAHM life was acceptable in today's time as most families life-styles call for 2 incomes. I ignored the stirring and truly believe I neglected my own two children at the expense of my sanity. I needed depression meds and sleeping meds until the Good Lord forced me (by a change in Chris's career) to be at home.  Thus the beginning of a year of family centered success and true joy presented itself... The prayers for my own wisdom and what role God would give me in this life continued and Chris and I found out about this entirely new concept: homeschooling! What the hizzle is homeschooling we pondered... We would briefly lift up this idea to God and hope for revelation...

I've been contemplating going through a series of posts in which I give one reason why we chose to homeschool. It's the question we get most from people when the topic is mentioned... Sooooo, one reason we homeschool is: it works best for our family. We are a "late night" bunch; early mornings not so much! With Chris's crazy schedule, public school hours work against family time. We know what it's like to hustle and bustle and simply decided homeschooling would work better in the area of time to spend as a family.

Another reason we chose to homeschool is: it came to our attention that WE had a choice in how we wanted our kids to spend upwards of 8 hours a day. Call us 'rebels' if you will, lol, but once you breathe in that you are not FORCED to send your babies to school, it really starts opening up your mind to the endless amounts of alternate learning styles available. In our journey so far we've met all kinds of homeschooling families, lots of single Mommas' out there homeschooling away and loving every minute! Just something about having choices in how we use our time that makes us all warm and fuzzy inside!

The third reason we chose to homeschool is and this is a good one: We've found that around 4 hours a day of "school" gets our "job" done, and then we are free to explore outdoors, sometimes we do this before our lessons when it's beautiful out! No daydreaming from our table about getting in the sun, we just start the day out in it instead!! And, NO evenings spent at the table using precious free-time to complete the already very very long school day! I wish school had been like that for me, instead I was daydreaming out the tiny window in our classrooms and then lying to my mom that I had no homework, so I could actually be free from school in the evenings:/ sorry mom, yes, I lied daily. no fear though, I copied off friends in first 30 sec of each class to keep those grades up and make you proud, lol-terrible-I know!!!

Reason #4 that homeschooling suits us: extracurricular activities aren't burdensome anymore, they are truly extra and quite a delight!! We look forward to these outings... For me, when we were in school for 8 hours then I had to rush to get a child to gymnastics, then rush the next day to ballet, then rush to ball practice, I was unable to enjoy watching my girls grow up right before me. Actually, I dreaded tackling the week and was so stressed from all the rushing around that it was very difficult to turn off those emotions and soak up the cartwheel achievement or the pirouette accomplishment... Life was so hurried that I was not enjoying my kids. Not anymore my friends, WE HAVE TIME to prepare!! This is a big deal for me, I did not know I had the capacity to run a home. There is now time to actually feel on top of things and operate peacefully (mostly) and my kids can read it when they look out and see they have my attention and I'm all smiles!! Totally new concept, this not being rushed thing!

Homeschool is right for us #5:

I do not want my girls to feel pressured on a daily basis to look perfect. Speaking from experience as the girl who took hours to get dressed, that constant "is there anything on my face" crap is tiresome! And, it's "way more important" than diagramming sentences or understanding Pythagorean theorem! NOT! Lol, I'm not saying they won't feel pressure to be beautiful, but day in and day out it won't be the 1st focus of the morning, they will be free from the stress and just able to learn!  

This is my biggie, it's based on MY experiences, you may not feel the same: Another reason we homeschool is because little girls are pressured TOOOOO early to become big girls. Speaking as a student and a teacher, it is dadgum freaking terrifying what you find in notes between 4th graders. I can't, I won't put my girls right into path of it, if I don't have to! 

From the beginning in school, I had a "boyfriend." Ridiculously, in my circle from very early on-you were not acceptable if you did not a boyfriend. It was all the rage on the playground to play kiss chase, then it was totally cool to mosey back to kissing corner, come 6th grade. And by 9th grade, if your virginity was still in existence, it was not looked at as admirable. The sooner you could get rid of that "burden" the sooner you could be part of the crowd. And see, as a "pretty little American girl" there were certain unspoken rules. Long term boyfriend + sex equals totally justifiable ----after all, you just might marry this one. As long as the relationship was 6 months or longer-slut, whore, easy---those words would not apply to you in the locker-room. So of course, that made it all okay. For myself and most of the girls I grew up with, virginity was gone before we ever knew it something to be treasured, something beautiful. Now, I AM NOT saying that homeschooling will prevent my kids from making bad choices or being influenced negatively by culture, but it does buy me valuable valuable time. I get to daily pursue placing wisdom in these girls. Wisdom was so far from me growing up. Going to church does NOT impart wisdom. Yes, it gives foundation, but wisdom is a daily work in progress. I need my girls to be able to clearly know Scripture for all situations: ain't nothing more tempting than a brown eyed boy with his hand on your leg to make ya melt like butta! I HAVE to know that I did everything I could do to prepare them. I HAVE to know that I did not encourage them to intrinsically think sexually by oooohing and aaahing over the "Justin Beibers." I HAVE to know when they come to me with a bad choice that it was just that: a choice-not a lack of understanding. Finally, I HAVE to know that I'm living out teaching them God's expectations, not culture in the morning, when we walk by the wayside, when we eat, and when we lay down... At least for as long as I have the opportunity, especially if I don't want them to have big regrets at such a young age as I.

HSing Moms have extremely difficult days too, here is an encouragement text from me to a friend of mine who was struggling:

#1- we can NEVER get this time back

#2-we get to share our faith throughout the day, instead of when a tough circumstance arises and the child needs direction

#3- the day is YOURS to do with as you wish! We had no school today-we cleaned out 12 bags of stuff to take to Salv Army and we are doing school tonight! 

#4 no child should be instructed for 7 1/2 hours a day. It is not fair, nor should they have homework. My friends 1st grader from Troy has 2  hrs of homework a night:( 

#5 you essentially choose who your child is surrounded with instead of forced association-which may not be beneficial in the long run

#6 our kids get enough rest, my Mady was so so exhausted and so so hungry EVERY day. 

#7 education is a chance to look for the truth in history---School can be  indoctrination of false ideas,  celebrating Columbus for example, NO WAY! 

With all that being said, if the Lord or Chris ever guide me to put them back in school, I will cry myself into oblivion, self-medicate, and obey:/

. 

Words I won't speak.

Terms  you won't hear me call other human beings:

1) trashy- never, that is an opinion, and it puts oneself above the other person, as if to say that my judgement is best and my lifestyle is so worthy to place me in a position to judge. Yep-that'd def be a lie...

2) fake- no way, I don't know what's in your heart or in your head, and no one in the world's actions ALWAYS lines up w/ their desires, everyday-every minute-100% of the time...it is not possible, humans are ever-changing...

3) hypocrite- neevvvvaaahhhh! I can't speak that word! We all fall short on the things we claim to be, can't point the finger w/o 3 pointing back at me, to call another such a term, means yet again that I am capable of perfection in all areas of my life, so I'm in a position to judge, and that'll never be the case. If we look back at our own personal timelines, we are far from who we once were...

4) bum- nada, its simply mean.  I do not know your situation, how long you've been there, or what led you to it.... All I know  is I want you taken care of, I want your kids taken care of, and if that means through government funding then so be it. I don't have a better solution (unless the entire church body decides to live like NT Christians and sacrifice to the point of equality among each other)  All I know is I am pro-humanity and I'm not concerned with why or how you ended up where you are, only that you are okay now....

Focus: oct 29, 2013

Thoughts on the brain at 1:00 am: in relationships, everyone has issues to be dealt with. At the end of the day, I shouldn't ask myself how I feel, I should ask myself, "Did I chose to love in every moment, the way God does... Did I choose to love, even when walking away would have felt better... Did I choose to love, when I was treated wrong... Did I choose to love in a way that isn't reflective of one's behavior, but instead  sheds light in one's darkness?" This whole marriage journey isn't about my spouse's behavior and me giving love when I am pleased, it's about me focusing on what I can do as his wife that is pleasing to God... 

Quaker, maybe.

Let me focus on Your light, and may it  be my  center

Glisten on the world, I'll allow You to enter

I'll choose  Silence to break life's endless chatter,

And I'll observe Your nature to remove the excess clatter

Show me  Yourself in  every face I see, 

I'll breathe in their glory through  Your divinity.

I am right; you are wrong

I'd like to make a proposal to myself and my friends in faith.... It is drastic, folks: okay, here it is.....What if we dropped the secret mentality of "I am right in my beliefs, and you are wrong. Since  secretly I know that I am right and you are wrong, I'm going to show you God's Love through a few repeated acts of kindness, with the full intention that you will soon come to agree with me and my belief system. If you don't come to agree with me in my allotted mental time slot, then hey-I tried, we'll call it good cause I did my duty, and I'll see ya at Wal-Mart a couple years from now and wish you well. If you are well, I will quietly pat myself on the back-for it was I, who planted those seeds of well-being some two years back. If you are not good , I'll tell myself again, I tried-if they'd have listened to me back then-their life would be better now..."

Instead, I'd like to propose that our goal move from "saving souls from hell" to "letting light flow from us just so God be glorified." Once this takes place, the focus moves from our inside thoughts and how much we've helped a person to simply living in a state that constantly shines Goodness. There is no keeping count on our internal tally mark sheet, this light is constant. Its  not about you, your words, your beliefs, your doctrine, or the food basket you delivered. It comes from the sheer beauty of an eternal light that does not cease, therefore it can only be God. This isn't even about the outcome for others, it's about glorifying God because that's what we were created to do. If part of glorifying God to you is delivering food baskets then do it. But,  do it just to God be the glory, not because you can check it off the list of "Things I'm doing to save people." 

Let us drop the "I'm right and you're wrong, here- let me save you" mentality and simply shine Light in the world.

The PA coal mines and "The Rag Coat"

The girls and I read a tearjerker of a book called The Rag Coat. I do not suggest reading it with your kids the first time you read it. I squalled through the whole reading. Both girls just watched me boohoo through the words. Minna is the main character and cannot afford a coat. Her Daddy is a coal miner who promises to get her a coat so she can go to school, he dies of miner's cough before he has the chance to make good on his promise. All the town Mommas come together with the cloth scraps to make Minna a rag coat, so she can go to school. She ends up being made fun of, but is still so proud of that coat... We have read the book several times and today we are here at Pioneer Tunnel. We are fixing to be carted through the old coal mine and Mady and Mika have to determine what could have caused Minna's dad to get so sick. Wish us luck as we brave the mine. 

Mady learns about the "Birds and the Bees"

Sometime b/t Sept 27 and August 1st:

So, we just had "the talk " bc Mady was desperately searching for answers and had out the encyclopedia. She was seeing the body parts and we were discussing sperm and ovum. She said, "how do they come together, does the sperm flow out of his mouth so that when they share the special kiss they become pregnant. That's when I had to tell her how it happens.... She turned 30 shades of red and laughed hysterically. She said, omg I'm so embarrassed and covered her face w/ her hands and had tears of laughter streaming!!  She stuck her head down in her t-shirt like a turtle head poking out of its shell and giggled tons! I loved every second of it. i laughed SO hard at her reaction.. She said, I cannot have children now. For added fun, I said, "so, what did dad and I do to create you." She said, "I will not say it. I refuse to say it." Mika walked in and interrupted and she said, "Mika leave-I just learned something very disturbing..." Lol, oh, man-she just said to me, "that explains A LOT, whenever those dogs were mating in the yard, now I get it!" Bahahaha! She just turned on the air conditioner and said "I am SO hot." Hahaha! She just added, all along I thought that was a two-headed dog!! Bahahaha! This is toooo good!

We sat back down, and discussed purity and virginity. We discussed the verses about God's plan for two becoming one and how absolutely beautiful it is.  I shared that God created Eve for Adam and when he saw Eve and her naked body, his first words were "it IS GOOD" and then the  two became one. I told her that god created our bodies to come together perfectly and He asks us to be fruitful and multiply. It's his plan and it is not dirty or shameful so long as you do it the way God asks. And, how it's one of the 1st pleasures mankind experiences.  We talked about the pain that comes from losing it and how it is a gift for your husband. How very special it is to hold onto that gift until God's choice for you comes along. We prayed together about her purity and discussed that she is carrying a gift now, right now she has this gift that makes her pure and the world will try to take it.... And that No one who loves her will make her feel like she needs to give that away, and in the end-she'll have pride and be angelic to the world, for waiting.

Father God, thank you for today. Thank you for my healthy growing girls and the chance to share your desires for us. Let my words have planted seeds of wisdom and understanding and help me guide her to  act in wisdom. Help her feel the presence of the Holy Spirit in such a way that she stays pure for her husband and let a man stay pure for her. Thank you, God that you hear my hearts cry-in Jesus name. Amen.

I am not home

Some days I let the world and it's darkness settle on me. These days drag on and turn into months and then suddenly, out of nowhere I recall that I am God's, I am not this world's and anything that says differently needs to go.  No matter who I am or who you are-you are worshipping something. Here's a list of things I've worshipped as I  unknowingly tried to fill the God void (you have a God void whether you believe it or not): Chris,  marriage, college courses, teaching, parenting, healthy lifestyle choices, church, homeschool , friendship, spiritual help books, Facebook, housekeeping, political understandings, materialism. See all of these things I felt were so important. I placed my value in them and thought "As long as these are in order then I'm doing alright." As long as I'm fulfilling obligations, then I'm doing alright." "As long as I am busy, then I'm doing alright." "As long as I'm doing what the book said, I'm alright." "As long as I'm sharing my faith, then I'm alright."  But the whole time I was not alright, I was waiting for "something" to fulfill me. Today, I am completely okay with knowing that I am falsely attempting to create my own peace and there is no doubt that this process will continue. I will continue to search to fill a void that can only be partially contained and that is because I am not at home in the world. I cannot fill such a void that can only come in the presence of God. I will simply rest in knowing that when emptiness comes or false security in "things" (even good things, like my kids) tries to  fill up the God void, I can bring to the forefront of my mind that all of this is temporary and I don't belong to this place and that is a really good thing. 

Cut Back... Um, Where?! Aug 29, 2013

Okay. Yea...  So, there was this time period not so long ago when my hubs said, "Hey, we need to try to cut back on our spending..." To me, I could not fathom it, I mean-I NEVER EVER did unnecessary spending... I was pissed. My friends knew about it too, poor pitiful Stacy... Where could I cut spending, I pondered aloud... 

I did not like the answer...

What, You mean, no manicures, only special occasions?! Preposterous!

Um, did I actually hear you hint to go back to my natural hair color.... Eeew:/

Seriously, no pedi's either...  That's just  ABUSE! 

Come on-what about my eyebrows... I gotta do the eyebrows??!!! 

Forreal, no after school treats?! 

I mean, I NEED to go 15 miles into town one way everyday, come on now?!  That mc-D's sweet tea is a daily necessity, it's way better than the tea I already have made in the fridge...

What 'd you say?! Use the groceries that are in the freezer before my next grocery outing... Seriously-actually eat what we have here-this is unheard of!

Um, please repeat that... I'm sure I didn't  hear you right?! No extras at the store... But wait----but look at those cute frufru outfits, both girls NEED one, they DESERVE them.

.............

As I walk around my house today , after a couple of years with my own polished nails/toes and my own tweezed eyebrows and my hair as natural as it ever going to be. I replay my hubs saying,  "You look really hot today."  That was just me-no big  money required. Today all of a sudden it hits me how much my husband's wisdom (which I deemed abuse) has blessed me....in my heart a whisper: look around at what your husband was doing FOR you by limiting his minimal amounts of spending and your ridiculous amounts of spending....just take it in for a second....You are student-loan debt-free (that was no small task), your vehicles are paid for, that elliptical you asked for-you got, the piano the girls asked for they got, you wanted to homeschool-you do, your kids are drinking water and eating fruit like its going outta style, you've lost a few lbs yourself, your gas bill was cut by literally hundreds....whisper turns into a stark realization: you have a savings account! Don't you remember days when saving was out of reach?! All of a sudden, I became super abundantly blessed with a husband who might actually be onto something, rather than a poor pitiful me missing out on so much!! Thanks, my love, I totally see where you were going with this now:).   :).  

When the down comes...

I am a woman of regret

I spend my time in the what might have beens

The should-haves the would-haves are where I rest

I hear the earth cry, "but in the now you are blessed"

Still I wake to a new day of repeated mental sorrow

I play with my  memories but never with tomorrow 

Failure is the capstone of my being

"You're more than a conquerer," the happy birds are singing 

But I do not listen-I cannot listen

Look at me-the sun is shining-but still I do not glisten.

I live for the  past

I try to get it back

But beauty is too far gone

And my heart is too far worn

Everywhere I look I wear the scars of  "you should of been better"

My insides breathe rejection and my heart now welcomes never

Never is the place where my confidence lives

Never is the home where beautiful sits

Never is tomorrow where they both exist 

Mika Giggles: August 25, 2013

Random Mika: Hey, Mom...... Ya know those "thingies"...

Me: um no, what "thingies?"

Mika: those long "thingies," you know?

Me: no- I still got nothing.

Mika: you know, Mom! Fruit roll-ups... Can I have one?




Half asleep Mika: oh man, Mom, I'm so thirsty, just rub my feet, Mom-I'm so thirsty.... Hmmm. I don't see the correlation, Mika!

Back to School for PS: Aug 18, 2013

Thinking of all my AR teacher-friends, students, and parents of those students. This time of year I get all emotional for you guys. New school years are so amazing; the atomosphere of hopeful anticipation, the new bulletin boards, the fresh paint and clean floors, the knowledge that right around the corner creeps the cool crisp air caressing your skin as you rush out the door to meet the morning, the spirit of football season putting a lil pep in everyone's step, new back-packs and pencils, new clothes and hair-cuts... Altogether, there is such a timeless beauty that accompanies back-to-school time. Enjoy it, it is these moments that I miss "going back to school." Teachers, love your kids up, you may be the only chance they have to experience unconditional love, hug them! Be real with them, they appreciate it. Take note of those kids that don't have new shoes or fresh hair-cuts-love them just a little more every day. Please make sure those kids know that they are coming back tomorrow to a teacher who ADORES them. Imagine that YOU are the one shot the child has at gaining confidence in their abilities, and in why they are here on Earth, God has put YOU into this exact place at this very moment in time to BE LIGHT, not just phonics, history, or math...Students, appreciate your teachers, do your work on time. You will never know how much time they invest in you, and I promise you-being a student is as EASY as its ever gonna be. Don't let status quo morph you into anyone you weren't meant to be, know yourself and don't budge. These kids you know now, will not be your company always-don't change for them. Parents, make sure your kids are compassionate. Teach them to love the dirty smelly kid, and to sacrifice popularity for the sake of showing love. Also, if drama seems to occur around your child often, more than likely-it's your kid who is causing it... Oh yes parents, teachers don't make jazz up, do not trust your child over a morally responsible adult, a teacher has NO reason to lie to you. Side with the authority figure unless there is evidence, please! Love to all and I hope you can sleep well tonight-I have butterflies in my tummy for all of you. 

Red Light

You know the commercial that has the song "you've got the green light" playing in the background? Well, Chris came in and was giving me some smooches, the girls were right there and Mika said, "eeeeww, you've got the RED light, daddeh!" 

No Expectations Here:

Inside my brain upon waking this morning, "Sometimes in life, it's okay to admit to yourself that you've let your own desire to serve God  cause you to think that everyone around you has the  same desire for serving Him too. It is then, extremely painful to come to the humble realization that this is not so. Especially when looking back over a timeline of past interactions, CLEARLY displays they are  SO far away from ever even considering God's heart in daily matters.  "How could I miss that, and then lie myself into believing otherwise," I sincerely ask myself, lol! A friend of mine (full of wisdom) shared, "Drop all expectations; you cannot expect Godly behavior from someone who is not saved." I will hold on to these words and let them bring rest when I get to thinking too hard:)"

Growing friendship and wisdom with Mady: Aug 8, 2013

Mady and I stayed up til midnight, just last night talking about this and other stuff.... Our conversation was based on the verse in John that says, "If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you." We discussed that-- often, people think they are being punished when they don't get what they ask for from God. But, the issue is that God will bless you when you ask Him for things that align with His pre-planned will for you. We talked about a pathway being lined with God's blessing. As you venture down this path, keeping in tune with the Spirit of God, He will shower that blessing down on you. Its already there, waiting for you to receive it. Its when we veer off of His path, attempting our "own" way, fulfilling our own desires that one will miss out on the blessings that God had planned for you from the time He created you. As we discussed, Mady said that it would be so sad to one day miss out on the man God's  set aside for her to marry because she was off of His path, trying to find him on her own. I'll never forget this long visit and how she likes pondering these verses. When she summed up our talk she understood that basically, when you keep in tune with the Holy Spirit and you venture down God's path for you, ask anything from God, it will align with His will, and He will bless you with it. And, if you feel like you're not having your prayers answered at all, perhaps what you're asking for is not part of God's plan for you and you need to re-align your thinking. Good talk; special late night conversations with my growing girl...(love).

Pastor Rick Warren

The easiest way to sabotage God's intended purpose for your life is to enter into a wrong relationship.

When sisters say "til we meet again"

There's an emptiness in the air when you're not around

Its like trying to describe silence with a whispering sound

I go about my days and try to make the desert come alive with rain

But the dust and cracks on my heart only blister and ache

I know you have this feeling too and some days just don't feel right

This journey has us crossing paths like strangers in the night

Loneliness is swallowing me 

And I can  hardly breathe

Close my eyes go back in time

Still frame  your smile Now I can dream

July 4th: what happened?

 237 years ago in Philadelphia, PA there was an unfamiliar breeze in the air.... a newfound spirit of liberty lingered about as a group of country-boys, land surveyors, gardeners, farmers, lawyers, "pharmacists," scientists, and soldiers got together to sign a document that would let the world know they'd no longer be at the mercy of the English crown. They knew that declaring their independence would not change their circumstances immediately and they were aware that being independent was risky. But the fragrance of freedom was much stronger than the odor of fear and sitting in Independence Hall, these men essentially breathed a new way of life into existence for the colonies. Why were they willing to walk away from the security of the Crown? Because they were being oppressed financially,  the Crown was too controlling and was limiting their freedoms here in the new land. The Crown was a form of Big Government and they were adamantly opposed to such. Their goal was small government with folks operating within the bounds of morality as they wished. Never would they have dreamed that our money would be collected and distributed to others... Sadly,  it appears to me that we've allowed a new crown to take the throne in the gov that we currently have, and we today are again suffering that same oppression: unfair taxing, massive control of our freedoms, and corrupt use of power. Those "good ol boys" were sinners just like me and you, but they did have a couple things right: they would not be bullied and they knew any form of Big Gov would come to corruption. Today,  as you celebrate please know we are moving further and further away from living out the pursuit of life, liberty, and happiness. Let your mind ponder if its time to move forward as the Declaration stated, "if gov is not protecting our rights, we-the people can create a new system! Are we brave enough to set into motion a new Declaration of Independence (this time from the White House)? Today is about we, the people,  living out the liberty some courageous men fought to bring forth. Is liberty really still ours as it was intended?

Stumbling Block: July 3, 2013

Sometimes I think really hard on that verse about "not being a stumbling block" to others. Ya know... the one that basically suggests that if my actions cause others to stumble (sin, be offended) then I, myself, have sinned. Man-oh-man! That is SO difficult to keep in my head! But, here's the deal: some people/whole denominations use this verse as a tool to condemn/control others. If my way of worship differs from their views, bam-throw this verse out there and poop-I'm done for. What's happening is some folks are so trapped it tradition that they cannot read the Bible without hearing a preacher/momma/daddy's voice. They can't look at the words and make meaning from it. The Holy Spirit cannot speak to their hearts, because they read the Bible with minds on lockdown. Somebody else has already told them what to believe and anyone who doesn't come to their same conclusion is a stumbling block to them. It's really sad, and it is beyond judgemental to believe there is only one way to worship. Did you know that Jesus went to worship at the temple? Guess what? There were instruments in temple worship!!! That's fight folks! It is very possible that before the church was persecuted, instruments in worship had been so commonplace that no apostle ever dreamed they'd need to give permission to the future body to have instrumental worship!!! Perhaps the writers of the New Testament were never trying to answer all the questions that we try to make the Bible answer. They were taking notes on miraculous happenings, they were writing letters to parts of the body in different cities trapped in sin, they were buliding each other up! They were NOT thinking about what day to have communion each week when they wrote it down in their notes, they were NOT instructing folks to meet three times throughout the week, heck-they weren't even intending to show us what "church" should look like. They were simply living in tune with the Spirit and taking notes!!!! Every single "church" scattered throughout the cities looked/worshipped differently. There was no "one-size-fits-all" way of worship, and there never was. Did you know, I've actually had folks say that a wreath on the church door is a stumbling block? Even if it was donated, someone might think you used church funds for it and that is NOT what church $$ should be used for-therefore the wreath is a stumbling block! Somebody show me that Scripture, please!! Aren't we being just a smidge judgemental by making this a "stumbling block!" I think what I'm saying is, we as Christians, have got to be careful about what we deem a "stumbling block." If your church traditions assume all other practices are stumbling blocks, it's time to re-evaluate. Re-read the New Testament. Stop listening to someone's beliefs in your head and stop trying to answer every question in life with a Biblical answer. Yes, the Bible is God's Word. But, the writers of the New Testament were not trying to condemn everybody by having us point fingers about stumbling blocks. If the Bible is not explicit on a certain topic, don't assume your way is the right way. Lord knows I've been a stumbling block and never even knew it, how is that possible?!

Proclamation: June 23, 2013

I will see Aurora Borealis with my children and husband. 

Political ponderings some more, May 2013

Panic Attack Wednesday: As Mady and I studied American History this year, we had a blast! Until we got to 1st Continental Congress, the sending out of the men to determine if their states were for independence, THEY ALL WERE, Jefferson's writing of the Declaration of Independence, and the culmination of it all at the 2nd Continental Congress where they worked through all the kinks. At that point in our studies, my heart sank a little. Whats happened to us patriots, I pondered...The Declaration states 7 main points, and as the Redcoats (enemy) walked about raging war in the 13 colonies on behalf of the Crown, these men were not afraid to read in the streets with the liberty bell ringing in the background, in more understandable words: 1) that all men are created equal 2) all men have certain rights that cannot be taken from them 3)  among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness

4) Governments are instituted among Men to PROTECT the people 5) the power of the government is determined by the people 6) if at any time the government becomes destructive to the people, a new government will be created 7) men have the right to establish a new government...

I got disheartened because folks cling to the "we cant go by that, they were hypocrites" instead of "Wow! those are powerful words we need to remember." Folks, if you can't look around and see that we are living in the midst of a future communist/socialist society, you are blind. I don't care if you are a raging die-hard Democrat, what is happening is NOT okay, please tell me you can move past your love for Obama, and admit that the shiz we are encountering is totally "UnAmerican." These last few months have spoken to me exactly where we are headed and I HATE it! I am certainly NOT  a Republican, and had I voted, I probably-eerily now-would have supported Obama. But, my eyes are opened! I am not afraid to scream, look around you!! They are monitoring every move you make,  they limit your use of weaponry,  big gov. crimes are being committed and when made public-those "whistle-blowers" have to hide, spend life in prison--or mysteriously die! And some of this population dares to call them traitors--hello! they are telling you TRUTH that the gov does not want you to know!!! Innocent people are being killed in wars that are only happening to support big corporations, soldiers are dying for BANKS, in places we are not wanted, the Boston Bombing suspect was shot and killed w/o a fair trial-where is innocent til proven guilty-and due process-- people were actually cheering that dude was killed-I was more like-wonder what he knows--- this is not okay! People, this is so not okay.  Think back, the Government is here to protect us, we are the power-givers,  we have the RIGHT to stand in the streets and call for a NEW GOVERNMENT, we have the right to CREATE a new government. This government as it is now, will continue unless we throw our hands up and walk away! There are too many takers, and not enough givers, heck, even our politicians tend to be takers!!! And quite scandalous, not just affairs, but like big money under the table to vote one way or the other! AHHHHHHHHHHHH! See, back to my whole point, 1770's-here we had the enemy lurking in the streets on Colonist's soil. Farmers, doctors, store-owners, political-philosophers, dropped what they were doing and the put up a fight, physically and in writing. There were no political parties, just a group of folks who said-we will NOT stand for this tyranny ANYMORE.  Do you see it? Do you see that we have to find a way to do the same thing. We have an enemy too, it's called Big Government, enemy-as it sits this very moment! When will we stop all this vote because of party, vote because of race, vote because of gender, and for real decide that this system we have is in control of us, and that is NOT what was supposed to happen. 

:( Can we call for independence from our own government? Any ideas on where to start a nationwide movement of folks ready to CREATE a new government. I'm serious, I don't want this downward spiral to continue and I just wonder, can you see it? Even Democrats-do you see this or have I gone mad?!

August 2012 Political Ponderings

As I drove through Tenn, Kentucky, and on into Ohio, I had lots of quiet time as the girls napped...here's a few thoughts that I pondered: 1) who will I vote for 2) I'm non-partisan 3) I HATE liberal media 4) I don't care for Mitt Romney at all, what happened to Ron Paul 5) What the feathers has Obama actually accomplished out of the hundreds of promises made during last election 6) I hate when ppl vote based on race/gender/Hollywood influence 7) I don't think the population should have to say "well, just vote for the lesser of two evils?" no, we deserve better 8) is America moving from capitalism to socialism 9) maybe subsistence agri is in my future 10) am I willing to break a chicken's neck and pluck it's feathers.... There ya have it... A look inside the mind of Stacy:)

More Mullins: opening the eyes of my heart... June 10, 2013

"But, you know, as a Christian, one of the big questions you always ask yourself is, "So we believe in Jesus, we believe in the teachings of the church, but what does that look like when it's lived out?" Because surely, one of the things that Jesus said that I think we often overlook is, "The person who hears my words and does them is like the wise man who built his house on the rock." He didn't say "the person who hears my words and thinks about 'em" or "whoever hears my words and agrees with it." But he said, "whoever hears it and does it."

Rich Mullins, An Arrow Pointing to Heaven

Dang, Rich! Even from the grave your words caused a stirring in me. Made me think to myself, how-here in  this country are we  actually going to live out Jesus's words? Culture tells us that bigger is better, more is better, flashier is better, material wealth equals happiness, your status is important. But Jesus tells us the first will be last, and Jesus tells us our call is to serve others, and Jesus tells us don't collect earthly treasure, and Jesus tells us to "give it all away." I'm getting a sense that this "American Dream" we all knowingly or unknowingly chase after, is one of Satan's greatest plots of mass distraction that he has ever attempted to pull off, and it's working. We nicely squeeze Jesus's words into American culture to make those instructions easier to live out...

Mika's first lyric creation w/ piano:)

She sat at the piano and just sang this over and over, while playing... Sweetest thing:
Stars in the sky, twinkle in your eye every single night I don't know how to feel so surprised...

Maybe I could be somewhere, maybe I could be right here...

The greatest gift:

This excerpt of my reading was like Whoa-Bam-Pow- Shazaam because I think I've witnessed dozens of "new believers" run from church because of folks that made them guilty about some habitual sin immediately. This was a problem in my teen years, I simply was a sinner, heaven was not available to me I believed. But, oh so graciously God whispered something different, something beautiful happened as I studied for myself... The word justification appeared. "A sovereign act of God in which he declares righteous the believing sinner WHILE STILL in his sinning state." Say what? Come again?! This justified sinner probably hasn't joined the church, probably doesn't pay tithes, probably hasn't been baptized, his life is not spotless, but he has taken the gift of eternal life. "He has changed his mind toward Christ, taken the free gift of God apart from works. Period. Transaction completed...... By grace, through faith alone, God declares this sinner righteous, and from that moment on the justified sinner begins a process of growth toward maturity (sanctification). Day by day, bit by bit, he learns what it means to live a life that honors Christ. But immediately? No way."

-The Grace Awakening

---wow, that is good news, you don't have to have it altogether...

June 5th, 2013: praising Him for praying friends:

Just want to take a moment and thank God for praying friends. In all honesty, life happens-folks say, "I'll pray for you." Some do (thanks so much), and some get swept up in the busy-ness of life and forget and that is okay too!I have been both in the past. But this very moment, I see God's hand at work in our lives because of friends and their prayers partnered with our own prayers. This answer has been long awaited and was a goal our family set out for almost 3 years ago. I'll never forget as Chris went in for his first interview for an "oil-field" job, penning down the follwing lyrics and putting them in his bag, "I will move ahead bold and confident, I'll be taking every step in obedience, while I'm waiting-I will serve you, while I'm waiting-I will worship you, while I'm waiting-I will not faint, I'll be running the race, even while I wait." We knew God was opening and closing doors as I had in faith, quit teaching, because I did not have peace at home (sleep meds, depression meds...). We were literally waiting on the Lord to provide. Since then, we have watched Him open so many doors to our family and yesterday He opened another. I'm so excited that Chris was given the opportunity and we can officially say now that he is the MANAGER of TTS's Williamsport District!!! I cannot say that I am surprised, though. Holding onto the scripture Matt 7:7 "ask and it will be given, seek and you will find, knock and the door will be opened," listening to our girls prayers for 3 yrs of "open the door for my daddy," having friends pray for specifics, and holding hands and telling God that we trust that in His time we will have an answer to this plea, opens up the heavens to shower down blessing. And let me tell you, this blessing did come out of sacrifice. I've had maybe 6 dates with my man in these last 3 years, he's worked his booty off-the hours are crazy, he is so organized, he has never said "no" to authority-hence the reason two of his planned vacations have been spent overseas or on jobs, he has missed ballet, tee-ball, softball, dinners, church, holidays, bar-b-ques, but all of this with the gracious mentality of "the Lord will open a door, I want you at home with the girls, I will do whatever it takes, and I know something is in the works up there, it won't always be like this." I just can't stop praising God for this blessing, but also for praying friends who helped stir God's heart, and give us support. We have always felt blessed, even in our moments of waiting, but today my heart woke up singing praises! This job brings Daddy home at night, this job lets Daddy coach tee-ball, this job allows a chance to go on dates-yeehaw! Woooohooooo! We will CELEBRATE these moments on the timeline of our lives, we know exactly Where they come from:)

June 4th, 2013 My heavenward homeboy: Rich Mullins

I think all these doctrinal statements that the congregations come up with over the years are basically just not very worthwhile. I don't mean to sound mean toward the people who came up with them. I understand in the past there have been heretical movements, and we still need to maintain sound doctrine... But I think our real doctrine is that doctrine born out of our character. I think you can profess the Apostles' Creed until Jesus returns, but if you don't love somebody, you never were a Christian. 

-Rich Mullins 

I love that Rich was such a supporter of attending church and how even as he became famous, he enjoyed small churches and wanted to submit to God's call to worship. And, I especially love that he did something I have not been doing. Even though he saw all the doctrinally incorrect stances and even though he knew whoa, this is way off track, he still chose to make church attendance of most importance.  He said the reason he wanted to go to church everyday was because he wanted to be a part of the body of Christ, and you do that by interacting with other members of Christ's body. 

(An Arrow Pointing to Heaven) 

His views def put me in my place concerning my last year and a half without a church home... This isn't about me, it's about coming together as a part of the body.